This is so beautiful. It really is melting my heart.
Nothing ever turns out like you thought it would.
You imagine life to have those little moments that you see in movies. The beautiful second your eyes meet with hers and you walk up to her to speak those thoughts screaming so loudly in your head with her responding with the sweetest words a man could ever hear, “I love you too.”
That magical night where you bring the girl of your dreams to prom. The moment where you hold her close and dance under that spotlight shining brightly onto you and her. The band happens to play just the right song to end just the perfect dance with just the perfect kiss.
Sitting alone in orientation anxiously awaiting for the awkward bonding sessions you have with these guys you’ll never see again only to have the most beautiful girl sit right next to you and charismatically introduce herself to you. “Hi, I’m Jess!” she would say, and you would answer with a funny joke and beginning the story of how you met your college sweetheart.
Walking around the bookstore, one that’s right on the outskirts of downtown, listening to the calming tunes of Bon Iver and you reach out to grab “Emma” by Jane Austen when her hand touches lightly on yours. You awkwardly stumble with words while you try and explain to her that she could have it while she says the same to you.
But nothing ever turns out like you thought it would. Those sweet words turns into awkward laughter that inevitably turns into a slow disintegration of the relationship that once was. From “Hey! How’s it going?” to “Hi, I’m good. I have to get to class so…”
That magical night ends in loneliness, envy and a bottle of Jack as you sit alone on your table watching her sharing that moment under that spotlight with a guy called Seb.
That lonely moment in orientation is still, at the end of the day, a lonely moment where you walk in by yourself and you step out with newly made friends yet feeling even more alone than you did walking in.
The bookstore will never be the miracle that fate brings to you. “Emma” will be reached out by you, held by you and purchased by you as you pay $20, smiling politely at the cashier and leaving for your home about one and half hours away.
Nothing ever turns out like you thought it would. Nothing ever turns out like you thought it would. Nothing ever turns out like you thought it would. Nothing ever turns out like you thought it would. Nothing ever turns out like you thought it would. Nothing ever turns out like you thought it would. Reality can never align with expectations. And the day you realize that you would want so hard to cry, but you won’t because as sad as you may be, you will still have hope that tomorrow will be the day you hold that girl’s hand and dance with her in the middle of the street while homeless Joe is playing Iron and Wine on his broken radio. You and her smoking that last Marlboro, watching the ashes fly away and you finally kiss her in the middle of the crossroad.
And I will bring you back to all that you said when you would call me friend.
You may hate me, but I’ll remember to love you.
2 a.m in the morning listening to Zeppelin. That’s a first.
I know you say there’s no one for you, but here is one.
Will it be my heart, or his?
And it all came true.
The sun at that place we were.
Take my plans and throw them all out
Recklessness is thy name, yet
As I do what I see fit, it is important to remember
What it was then
For love, anything for love
The logic, the reason;
It shall cease to exist. It is important to remember
The essence in which what our love was and not what our love is
Writing to my dear, sweet love leaves the thoughts so genuine to my heart
My honesty, my sincerity; placed unto this sheet
I shall tell her and finally let her know my feelings, my love
For her
I love you, I miss you, this sunset I give to you.
I’m tired.
I’m still a single man after 17 years of wishing and hoping. All I ever desired was a love that’s as beautiful and simple as a regular romantic-comedy formula. Meet the girl, fall in love, sudden troubling circumstance but in the end still fall back in love with each other. My stories almost always ends the same way: meet the girl, fall in love, troubling circumstance, catostrophic end. My first and most heartbreaking love, S. She and I met when we were young. I loved her and I was told she loved me too. I treated her like trash and she never spoke to me again. Years following, I fall asleep thinking about her and only her, always tearing up with regret. She wasn’t the ideal girl, though she was absolutely stunning, but she was the one that I loved irrationally. She was emotions.
The second girl, A, was and is my best-friend. Our relationship was a comfortable likeness that was bordering platonic to romantic. There was nothing like spending the afternoon, sitting on a set of stairs, watching the sunset with her. Our story ended when she left the country. It was the saddest end to any of my stories because our relationship was left intact but just limited by the distance. She was comfort.
E was the third. She and I officially met in my last year of highschool. Intellectually, she was the perfect girl. She was beautiful, smart and so witty with words. While I doubt she ever saw me the same way I saw her, she and I developed a relationship. An awkward one. She was so perfect and she hung out with me. I was left intimidated and ultimately left a fool. She and I don’t talk anymore. She was my ideal.
When I left for college, I thought things were going to change. I thought I would finally meet someone and have an uncertain yet content relationship with. I was wrong. Sure, I’ve met someone; in fact, I met 5. But within the 5, I narrowed down to one based on intellectual commonality. This lead me to J. She plays piano, she’s bright, and she’s extremely hardworking. While she is no E, she still seem way out of my league. I like her but our story ended on very uncertain terms. Through our shortlived relationship, there was probably many misunderstanding. Her post-poning our hangout to my erupt exit from our conversation. In the end, I found that one ounce of courage to ask for her number so I can find her again the following semester. She gave it to me, with some strange glares and almost insincere agreements. I felt like there was some disdain from her but nonetheless, I texted her. Till this day, this moment, Tuesday, 6:31am, December 18th, 2012, she has yet answered me. I really hope she is the one. Not the one girl I marry, but the one who I finally make it to the romcom end with. But I’m so tired of this continuous chase. I’m so tired of never finding the one. I feel defeated. I really, truly hope she is the one that can pull me out from this dark, sad ditch of a predicament. I hope she can be my future.
